Forgiving the Unforgivable

It was 10:45pm.

*phone rings*

‘Who is dumb enough to be calling me at this time’, I thought to myself. On a normal night my phone would be on vibrate but it had been a long day and all I wanted to do was to fall on my bed and sleep.”This caller is about to have it from me”, I mumbled as I picked up the phone.

‘Hello’

Waiting to hear a voice I did not recognise to release fire over the phone.

‘Madam’

My heart started pounding.There was just  one person who had this much control over my emotions.It was a voice I recognised. A voice I had tried so hard to forget this past few months.

‘Madam,……are you there’. I tried to respond but nothing came out. Suddenly, I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. Memories from the past two years gushed out of whatever chess box I had locked it up in.

He called me!! My husband finally called me.

It had been a year since he moved in with Sharon(his mistress) to begin a life without me. A life he was now in control of. My husband was never one to follow the leading of God. Though he was a self-proclaimed Christian, that aspect of allowing God to order your steps did not sit well with him. “God has told me this about my life and it is up to me to make it happen”, he always used to say.

Well it so happened I was one of the things he did not plan for. I guess that is why he struggled so hard with his feelings towards me. I was the girl he was attracted to and didn’t know why.Though he tried to avoid it, he just couldn’t shake me off.

Hearing from him his plans of re-marrying a year after we had been connected by God threw me into a tailspin. I can still hear the echoing of my screams over the phone to my brother when he gave me the news. What went wrong?

I had given all of me to him, withholding nothing. Though we had different interests and likes, I tried my hardest to get involved with the things that tickled his fancy. Arts and music was his passion.

I had even gone as far as chopping off my relaxed hair and transitioning it into its natural state all because he loved the texture. To be honest, I couldn’t care less about the arts scene or most especially his kind of music but I did my very best to be well-versed in the language of the creative industry.

I was too engrossed in moulding myself into the type of woman his fleshly self desired so much so I did not see Sharon coming. I cannot even tell you when or how they met or when the affair began.By the time the news reached me, it was too late.

I had heard of the word, heartbreak; but what I did not know was that your heart literally breaks.I battled with constant panic attacks and irregular heartbeats for the first three months of his departure.I cannot explain to you the sharp pain in my heart when I thought of him touching her, knowing her, being inside of her and becoming one with her.

How could this be my life?Is this what I had sacrificed for?God why did you not stop him?How can he violate our love like this?. The questions played over and over and over in my head.

I tried to move on as best as I could with the hope that maybe,just maybe he would return to me. There were days I would wish for this and there were days I would wish he just stayed as far away from as possible.

I would hear of various sightings of them at one art event or the other. He finally got the woman he had always wanted. A female version of himself with the same ideologies and interests.

Taking one step at a time, I got back up and dusted off the rejection and disappointment. I strengthened myself in Him and soon, months had passed. I never expected to make contact with him ever again.

Yet here we were.

Tired of calling out my name without any response, he switched into silent mode.I could hear his heavy breathing on the other end of the line. The smell of anxiety and guilt could be felt through the phone. I was about to speak when I heard him burst into tears.

‘I want to come back home Madam, I want you’.

My heart ached for him. This is what I had secretly prayed for and it had been answered. I wanted to run to him and have his arms around me one more time. I always felt safe in his arms. His broad shoulders were my resting place.

‘I’m on my way to you ma’am, I am coming back for you. I don’t know if you will have me but I am coming’, he continued.

‘Say something Kuks’

Did I want him back in my life? Can I forgive him for the hurt and pain he put me through? Can I trust him to stay for the long haul this time around? Can I erase the thoughts of him being with another woman? Can I allow him to touch me? I had never felt this confused.

Mustering all the strength within me I replied, ‘Ebow I-I……’.

 

© Diana Atuahene 2017

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